Love to Remember

I have suffered from migraines since 12 years old.  Some times I hurt worse than others, but every day of my life, I wake up with pain.  I just have to get on with my life.  But then there are those days, when I just cannot not get out of my bed, no matter how much I try.
About a year ago, these specific migraines started getting out of control to the point of disruption of my life and I decided to seek medical attention.  After a couple of false starts, we found a mix of medications that are controlling my migraines well and I am living my life my life again happily.
I was told that a side effect of one of the medications was memory loss, but I brushed it off.  I'm not one of those people that believes in the LONG list of side effect that comes with every drug on the market, and my memory is amazing.
My mom said to me once 'Why do I need to write it down? I have you!'
I have other people comment on the fact that I can remember conversations almost verbatim even a year later.  I just remember stuff easily.
A couple months ago, mom and I were talking with a friend about a very dear friend of ours and I could not for the life of me remember his name.  I could picture him, I could remember one of his catch phrases, I could remember his alter ego, but I could not remember his name.  I actually had to get onto Facebook and scroll through my friends to figure out his name.
Next, I couldn't remember the name of a celebrity chef that I love, then one of my closest friends as I was trying to introduce her to someone else.  Recently, I've started having issues remembering which key unlocks the building at work and which one unlocks my office.
In our bible study a few weeks ago, we studied the 10 commandments and talked about that anger is just a step away from murder and so I've been trying to be careful about getting angry and about being hateful.  But it is so frustrating to look at my friend, who is helping to save me from my darkest self this year, who is keeping me afloat, and not be able to remember her name.  To be so embarrassed as my mother harasses me for not being able to remember our dear friends name that I love so much.
Last night we talked about Paul's thorn in the flesh and asking God to remove it.  Instead, God give him the grace to deal with it.
I asked for my migraines to be removed and they have been.  Instead I may be starting to lose small pieces of my memory.
I know He is with me as I go through this and I am here for a reason.  I can only continue to pray for His grace as Paul did to deal with with frustration of not being able to do everything I used to be able to do.

Love to Seek Peace

Seek sēk/ verb attempt to find (something).
peace pēs/ noun freedom from disturbance; quiet and tranquility.

I was told several weeks ago to write about peace. That's it. That was the message. Nothing more. I prayed for several days, listened to music for inspiration, posted on Facebook, read my Bible, asking for some kind of clue as to exactly where I was supposed to go with this peace post.
Finally, I was told to write about seeking peace and I was able to start putting something together. Then I did my prep work for last week's Bible study. The subject? The prodigal son. Talk about being lost and looking for peace! Today I am doing prep for this week's Bible study and there is a section that talks about seeking peace!
It's about now that I'm Jonah in the whale going, OK, God.... I'm writing..... Really!
The work of righteousness will be peace,
And the effect of righteousness,
Quietness and assurance forever.
Isaiah 32:17
A few weeks ago, our pastor had us share with our neighbors around us where some beautiful places were that we had been.
For me, going out to my favorite camping spot in the mountains of the Appalachians, or to the Gulf in Florida, or the Filmore Glen in New York, or even a rare glimpse of bright yellow foliage as I sit writing this in Richmond .... These have always been my sources of peace.
But this summer, something changed. 
It started in Sunday School when I said I didn't know what was happening in my life, but that something was. I only knew that every time I got closer to church, the devil played havoc in my life and pulled me away.
July marked Thursday night bible study starting and Sunday lunches. August was this blog. September I was asked to help out with the food pantry and to join the praise team. October was my first practice and performance with the praise team. I am still waiting for my chance to contribute to the food pantry, but I am willing.
All of this is showing me a much different and far greater peace than those I've previously experienced. Yes, I still still take my vacations, but I don't think that I will need them the same way that I have in years past.
I am seeking my peace almost every day of the week! And it is an amazing experience!

Love to Write

I have been busy and sick and struggling with the subject of the next post and I am making excuses...
I miss all of you and appreciate your missing me. I will be back very soon!

Love to Pray

Sunday after church, I let my drivers window down to release the heat in my car.  Only it didn't go back up when I wanted it to.
No worries.  I only needed to drive a couple of miles to a local park where my dad and our friend who solved my low tire issue would be.  We tried shutting the car off and turning it back on.  Dad tried pulling the panel apart and playing with the switches power.  Our friend and I have already replaced one motor in a different door and knew it was easy to gain access to it, so we ripped the door apart and tried banging on the motor.  No luck.  We also couldn't get a good grip on the glass to raise it manually.
So I grabbed my heavy leather jacket that I keep in my car for winter emergencies, cranked the heat and drove 40+ miles home with the window down.
Once there, we rigged up a cover to protect from any rain out of black garbage bags, but I can't exactly drive with it, so I just remove it while I drive.
Ordered the motor yesterday, it will come in today.  Awesome!
The thought occurred to me at some point in time yesterday, what happens if it is raining while I am driving?  Well....  Let's hope it doesn't.......
This morning, I walked out of my apartment to wet ground and overcast skies.  My heart fell.
And then I started praying.  Lord, please don't let it rain while I drive.  Over and over.
Every time I saw a glimpse of sun I said thank you with a grateful heart and spirit.
I just continued this until I arrived at work completely dry.
The skies are a beautiful blue, not a cloud visible anywhere.
Nothing is too small or trivial if you just pray.

Love to Love You

When our small group started their study of God Loves You by David Jeremiah, I told myself that I was not going to blog about it anymore.  I wanted my reader to come to the bible study instead of just reading about it here.
There is one very large problem with that idea...  My readers are all across the world.  I am reaching more people than I ever thought I would.
Second reason I am breaking my self imposed rule is that this weeks' chapter was just so strong, so moving, so powerful...  As I started reading...  Before I had finished the second page of the chapter, I already was composing this post.  I knew I had to share this message.  It was one that I did not learn growing up and I knew it was one that I had to share.
David Jeremiah starts with a story from 'With: Reimagining the Way You Relate to God' by Skye Jethani. The House of Despair was an underground safehouse for Christian college students.  These students were probably the outcasts on campus as they sought various forms of painkillers: sex, drugs, alcohol, and just real conversation.
As I read about these kids and their struggles in school, I found myself understanding where they were coming from.
One night, the original author asks the students how many were raised in a Christian home?
All raised their hands.
How many grew up in a bible centered church?
All hands stayed up.
And none of you realize that through everything, God still loves you...

As humans we are taught about conditional love: if I'm not pretty enough or skinny enough or short enough or rich enough or flirty enough or the list goes on, he won't love me. I try everything I can to keep his love.
God's love is unconditional. He loves you because He wants to, because He created you.
2 Timothy 13 says 'if we are faithless, he will remain faithful, for he cannot disown himself.'
Think about that. No matter how much you mess up, He still loves you because you are part of Himself. What a strong and amazing image to hold close!
As I started reading about the House of Despair and their stories, these words kept echoing in my head 'For God so loved the world.'
I wasn't finishing the verse. I was being told to stop right there. Because isn't that what these kids needed to know? They knew about Jesus. They know the story, as do most people out there.
But do you know, and I mean, do you know, that God loves you? You!
No matter what you did yesterday, what you do today or what you do tomorrow. God will always love you!

Too Beautiful For Earth

Love for Unborn Babies

When I was a kid, all I wanted was to grow up and make babies.  At one point in time, I had a list of 24 names for my prospective children.  (The father of said children was going to have to be rich and very accepting....  lol)
And then I grew up...
Funny how that happens and 24 kids suddenly becomes a terrifying number...  But I still wanted a baby!
I got married just as soon as I could and we started trying, but month after month, no baby.
This I know was a blessing from God after I left him and realized I had been in an abusive marriage.
Soon after, I met a karate instructor and started taking self defense lessons, then started dating.  After about a year we discovered we were expecting a baby.  We were both so excited!  We told our families and started looking at baby stuff.
We were planning how this new addition to our family was going to change everything.
And then entirely too soon, God took my baby to be with Him in heaven.
I don't know why and there is nothing that anyone can say to make it feel better or to change how I feel.  I cannot 'just get over it' as some people would like me to do.
As soon as I knew that there was this little tiny life inside of me, I felt an unconditional love that will last the rest of my life.
I never got to hold my baby in my arms, but I felt her in my heart.
One of the best conversations I had after my miscarriage was with one of my cousins who had a miscarriage.  The general idea was whatever you are feeling is normal.  Feel it.  It is ok.  And if you ever need to talk, I am here.
To be told that it is ok to grieve, no matter how small the life that is lost, was huge!   Every one had been telling me to just get over it up until that point or just avoiding the issue entirely.
It is difficult, so hard.  To feel that love inside of you, to want something so bad and then feel it draining out of you, unable to stop it.
It took years before I could hear about a pregnancy in my family without jealousy or tears.  Even longer before I could walk through the infant section of a store, then the toddler section.
Each and every one of these babies deserves our love.  I know God had His reason for taking my baby from me and He did it with love and I can love Him for it.
Today, take a moment and say a prayer for an unborn baby, may he or she live forever in heaven.  Amen.

Love for Love

While I lived in Florida, my boyfriend and I regularly visited a Christian bookstore. One day I saw these white signs with mirrors, crosses and mirrors cut out of the wood to let the mirror shine through. There were probably 10 different sayings, 3 for $10 and while we were a little short on money, I really wanted these in our living room. We talked about it and decided that God would find the money and I could get them.
Sorting through the designs to find only 3 was so much harder than I thought I was going to be!  They were all so good! How could I pick only 3? But there was no way we could afford more, so finally I decided on grace, believe and........ Love!
Even almost 10 years ago I was feeling God's love! Being surrounded by it! I am amazed when I keep making these discoveries.
A couple years ago, I moved in with a girl and our apartment was very colorful.  It was the perfect place to relax at the end of a crazy day! We decided to hang my cross mirrors on the stairway going upstairs after a minor makeover.
Today, I noticed the way I have my mirrors hung, is with love on top. A constant reminder that God loves me!
Wherever I look in my life, love is here.  I just need to continue to take it with me.
I love you, for being here, for not giving up on me when my life gets crazy and I can't post. Thank you.
Look around. Can you find love in your life today?